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"Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers."
"Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way."
"Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases."
"You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day."
- Ambrose Bierce
"I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name.'"
- Mik Binder
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
- George Burns
"Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both."
- Samuel Butler
"Alma: I rather suspect her of being in love with him.
Martin: Her own husband? Monstrous! What a selfish woman!"
- Jennie Jerome Churchill - "His borrowed plumes"
"The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman."
- Samuel Tayler Coleridge
"The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget is once."
- E. Joseph Cossman
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
- Rodney Dangerfield
"If a man stays away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life."
- Lord Darking - British Judge
"If we lose this war, I'll just start another in my wife's name."
- Moshe Dayan - Israeli General
"Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences."
- Isadora Duncan
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
- Jimmy Durante
"A man's wife has more power over him than the state has."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Sanity is very rare: every man almost, and every woman has a dash of madness."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, `What does woman want?'"
- Sigmund Freud
"It is a known fact that men are practical, hardheaded realists, in contrast to women, who are romantic dreamers and actually believe that estrogenic skin cream must do something or they couldn't charge sixteen dollars for that little tiny jar."
- Jane Goodsell
"I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house."
- Lewis Grizzard
"Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs had better get used to it."
- Robert Heinlein
"Man has his will, - but woman has her way."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes - US Writer
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
- Sacha Guitry
"Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more that she ever did."
- Groucho Marx
"Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex."
- Ellyn Mustard
"The Average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.'
- Ladies' Home Journal
"We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife."
- Groucho Marx
"Women would rather be right than reasonable."
- Ogden Nash
"Woman was God's second mistake."
- Friedrich Nietzsche
"If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning."
- Aristotle Onassis
"Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you."
- Jean Rostand - Le Mariage
"Give women the vote, and in five years, there will be a crushing tax on bachelors."
- George Bernard Shaw
"All my wife has ever taken from the Mediterranean - from that whole vast intuitive culture - are four bottles of Chianti to make into lamps, and two china condiment donkeys labeled Sally and Peppy."
- Peter Shaffer - British dramatist
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
- Jimmy Shubert
"By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher."
"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle."
- Gloria Steinem
"I hate women because they always know where things are."
- James Thurber
"I was seized by the stern hand of Compulsion, that dark, unreasonable Urge that impels women to clean house in the middle of the night."
- James Thurber - US Writer, Humorist, and Cartoonist
"God help the man who won't marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her."
- Benjamin Tillett
"'I will not stand for being called a woman in my own house' she said."
- Evelyn Waugh - British Novelist - "Scoop" Bk. 1 Ch. 5
"If a man is talking in the forest, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?"
- Jenny Weber
"Whatever women do they must do it twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult."
- Charlotte Whitton
"Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening."
- Oscar Wilde
"For most of history, Anonymous was a woman."
- Virginia Woolf
"My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!"
- Henry Youngman
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