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"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
- Douglas Adams

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
- Douglas Adams

"If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done."
- Scott Adams

"It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."
- Woody Allen

"Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple of more feet, just to be sure.
- Eric Allman

"There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network."
- Guy Almes

"There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence."
- Jeremy S. Anderson

"If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it."
- Anonymous

"Guide to understanding a net.addict's day:
Slow day: didn't have much to do, so spent three hours on usenet.
Busy day: managed to work in three hours of usenet.
Bad day: barely squeezed in three hours of usenet."
- Anonymous

"Of course, Behaviourism "works". So does torture. Give me a no-nonsense, down-to-earth behaviourist, a few drugs, and simple electrical appliances, and in six months will have him reciting the Athanasian creed in public."
- W.H. Auden

"Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down."
- Russell Baker

"Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three categories- those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost."
- Russell Baker

"It's curtains for you, Mighty Mouse! This gun is so futuristic that even *I* don't know how it works!"
- from Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse

"Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones."
- Mike Barfield

"What is algebra exactly; is it those three-cornered things?"
- J.M. Barrie - British novelist and dramatist

"Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?"
- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"

Baruch's Observation:
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

"Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him, slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound."
- Jon Bentley

"For the man who has everything... Penicillin."
- F. Borquin

"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway."
- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review

"Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers."
- Leonard Brandwein

"Basic research is when I'm doing what I don't know what I'm doing."
- Wernher Von Braun

Bradle's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

"Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer."
- Fred Brooks, Jr.

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
- Rita Mae Brown

"Regardless of the legal speed limit, your Buick must be operated at speeds faster than 85 MPH (140kph)."
- 1987 Buick Grand National owners manual.

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
- George Carlin

Mr. Cole's Axiom:
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
- Rich Cook

COBOL:
Completely Over and Beyond Reason Or Logic

"Tomorrow's computers some time next month."
- DEC

"This compact disc is made from analog masters recorded without noise reduction. Half the tracks, in fact, were recorded in a dismal, cheap basement eight-track studio with puddles of water on the floor. Digital technology will now faithfully reproduce these noisy, low-fi, un-professional masters at great expense. feel stupid yet?"
- Disclaimer on a CD

"The Internet is a gateway to get on the net."
- Bob Dole

"When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the plane will fly."
- Donald Douglas

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
- Charles Duell, Director of U,S, Patent Offive, 1899

"How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury."
- Tom Duff, Bell Labs

"To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk."
- Thomas Edison

"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts."
- Albert Einstein

"If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research, would it?"
- Albert Einstein

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."
- Albert Einstein

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
- Albert Einstein

"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality."
- Albert Einstein

"The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency."
- Albert Einstein

"The two most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogren and stupidity."
- Harlan Ellison

"The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts."
- Paul Erlich

"A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems."
- P. Erdos

"You can pay attention to the fact, in which case you'll probably become a mathematician, or you can ignore it, in which case you'll probably become a physicist."
- Len Evans, professor, Northwestern University, teaching an honors calculus course

"We have a habit in writing articles published in scientific journals to make the work as finished as possible, to cover up all the tracks, to not worry about the blind alleys or describe how you had the wrong idea at first, and so on. So there isn't any place to publish, in a dignified manner, what you actually did in order to get to do the work."
- Richard Feynman

"Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity."
- Robert Firth

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre

"The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable pi can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change."
- FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers

"One of the greatest labor saving inventions of today is tomorrow."
- Vincent T. Foss

"Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales"
- Stephen Hawking - "A Brief History of Time"

"They think they can make fuel from horse manure.... Now, I don't know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning."
- Billie Holliday

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
- Matt Lauer, on NBC's "Today" show, August 22, 1996

"Counting in octal is just likst counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs."
- Tom Lehrer

"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
- Karl Lehenbauer

"When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done."
- Daniel B.Luten

"Medicine makes people ill, mathematics make them sad, and theology makes them sinful."
- Martin Luther

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
- Groucho Marx

"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
- Groucho Marx

"Only a brain-damaged operating system would support task switching and not make the simple next step of supporting multitasking."
- George McFry

"For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong."
- H. L. Mencken

"Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin."
- John Von Neuman

"I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really do melt in your hand..."
- Peter Oakley

"A debugged program is one for which you have not yet found the conditions that make it fail."
- Jerry Ogdin

"The last good thing to be written in C++ was the Pachelbel Canon."
- Jerry Olson

"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home."
- Kenneth H. Olson, President of DEC, Convention of the World Future

"Before the first atomic bomb test, scientists took the time to calculate whether the blast would ignite the nitrogen in Earth's atmosphere and incinerate us all. The risk was low and the test went off, but Rees wonders what the odds would have had to be to discourage the bomb makers."
- Dennis Overbye, from NY Times article "'Our Final Hour': Global Warning" (05/18/2003) on the book 'Our Final Hour' by Martin Rees

"The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order."
- Brian Pickrell

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla."
- Mitch Ratcliffe

"If we get involved in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs damage my videotapes?"
- Readers' Q and A column in TV Guide, 1985

"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage."
- Mark Russell

"Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers."
- Chip Salzenberg

"If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law."
- Roy Santoro

"Television? No good will come of this device. The word is half Greek and half Latin."
- C.P. Scott - British Journalist. "Disclaimer - These opiini^H^H damn! ^H^H ^Q ^[ .... :w :q :wq :wq! ^d X^? exit X Q ^C ^? :quitbye CtrlAltDel ~~q :~q logout save/quit :!QUIT ^[zz ^[ZZZZZZ ^H man vi ^ ^L ^[c ^# ^E ^X ^I ^T ? help helpquit ^D ^d man help ^C ^c help ?Quit ?q CtrlShftDel"Hey, what does this button d..."
- Seen in a .signature file

"There are three types of people in this world: Those who can count, and those who can't."
- Seen on a bumper sticker

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
- Seen on a bumper sticker

"The nice thing about Windows is- It does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first."
- Sig of Arno Schaefer

"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea - massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it."
- Gene Spafford

"A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard."
- Prof. Steiner

"People are very flexible and learn to adjust to strange surroundings -- they can become accustomed to read Lisp and Fortran programs, for example."
- Leon Sterling and Ehud Shapiro, Art of Prolog, MIT Press

"This was the ultimate form of ostentation among technology freaks -- to have a system so complete and sophisticated that nothing showed; no machines, no wires, no controls."
- Michael Swanwick, "Vacuum Flowers"

"I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means. It means we get to keep all our old mistakes."
- Dennie van Tassel

"Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?"
- Kelvin Throop III

"Excusing bad programming is a shooting offense, no matter _what_ the circumstances."
- Linus Torvalds, to the linux-kernel list

"There is nothing that can be said by mathematical symbols and relations which cannot also be said by words. The converse, however, is false. Much that can be and is said by words cannot successfully be put into equations, because it is nonsense."
- C. Truesdell

"A typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Randolph that was not malignant and remove it."
- Evelyn Vaugh - British novelist - on hearing that Randolph Churchill had had a non-cancerous lung removed

"A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms."
- George Wald

"The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants."
- Adam Walinsky

"Obviously I was either onto something, or on something."
- Larry Wall on the creation of Perl

"What do you mean we don't communicate? Just yesterday I faxed you a reply to the recorded message you left on my answering machine."
- The Wall Street Journal

"The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!"
- Jim Warner

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
- Bill Watterson, in his comic strip Calvin and Hobbes

"I see no reason to suppose these machines will ever force themselves into general use."
- Duke of Wellington - Referring to the steam locomotive.

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."
- Steven Wright

"Black holes are where God divided by zero"
- Steven Wright

"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."
- Steven Wright

"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
- Steven Wright

"I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still ..."
- Steven Wright

"I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!""
- Steven Wright

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
- Steven Wright

"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
- Carl Zwanzig




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