Remember, topic collections aren't complete, they are hand-compiled. If you think a quote belongs in this topic, or that a new topic should be created, please, contact me about it.

"When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
- Franklyn Ajaye

"The shortest distance between two points is always under construction."
- Noelie Alite

"In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make it into television shows."
- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall'

"The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a right turn on a red light."
- Woody Allen

"The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but you still have to mow it."
- Anonymous

"I went to New Zealand but it was closed."
- Anonymous

" I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that can't be measured in monetary terms.
Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly understand his long delay."
- Anonymous

"The main thing I like about New Yorkers is that they understand that their lives are a relentless circus of horrors, ending in death. As New Yorkers, we realize this, we resign ourselves to our fate, and we make sure that everyone else is as miserable as we are. Good town."
- Kyle Baker, Why I Hate Saturn

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
- Marion Barry, Mayor, Washington, D.C.

"Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night."
- Candice Bergen

"Streets full of water. Please Advise."
- Robert Benchley - US humorist - Telegram to his editor on arriving in Venice.

"One cubic foot less of space and it would have constituted adultery."
- Robert Benchley - Describing an office shared with Dorothy Parker

"This island is almost made of coal and surrounded by fish. Only an organizing genius could produce a shortage of coal and fish in Great Britain at the same time."
- Aneunin Bevan - British Labour Politician. Speech May 18, 1945.

"The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan, live with a British wife, and eat American food."
- Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine

"Thirty Millions, mostly fools."
- Thomas Carlyle - Scottish historian - when asked what the population of England was.

"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
- Johnny Carson

"Since both of its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solelly in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by."
- Alan Coren - British humorist and writer - on Switzerland

"Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."
- Ken Dodd

"On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia."
- W.C. Fields' epitaph

"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs."
- Robert Firth

"To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan to spend a few days there."
- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts

"To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are, in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the Swedes speak better English."
- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts

"To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred thousand."
- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts

"America's one of the finest countries anyone ever stole."
- Bobcat Goldthwait

"For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something."
- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.

"On a clear day, U.C.L.A."
- Graffiti in San Francisco

"Living in England, provincial England, must be like being married to a stupid but exquisitely beautiful wife."
- Margaret Halsey

"2,400,000 Americans play the accordian - hopefully not at the same time."
- Inside of a Pepsi cap

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."
- Richard Jeni

"Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee."
- Carolyn Jones

"If you're going to America, bring your own food."
- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"

"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz

"Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines."
- David Letterman

"New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you."
- David Letterman

"Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves around than any other city in the world."
- David Letterman

"Tourists -- have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."
- David Letterman

"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax."
- David Letterman

"According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime."
- David Letterman

"Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound.""
- David Letterman

"Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call."
- Richard Lewis

"The telephone company is urging people to *please* not use the telephone unless it is absolutely necessary in order to keep the lines open for emergency personnel. We'll be right back after this break to give away a pair of Phil Collins tickets to caller number 95."
- Los Angeles disc jockey, right after the February 1990 earthquake

"There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure."
- Ross MacDonald

"I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness."
- Steve Martin

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
- Jackie Mason

"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct."
- W. Somerset Maugham

"The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders."
- P. J. O'Rourke

"Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen."
- P. J. O'Rourke

"Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union."
- P.J. O'Rourke

"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks."
- Emo Philips

"The real fact is that I could no longer stand their eternal cold mutton."
- Cecil Rhodes - explaining why he had left his friends in England and came to South Africa

"Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l."
- Rita Rudner

Rules for driving in New York:
(1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
(2) You may park anywhere if you turn you four-way flashers on.
(3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection.

"Sarah Brightman couldn't act scared on the New York subway at 4 o'clock in the morning."
- Joel Segal

"All my wife has ever taken from the Mediterranean - from that whole vast intuitive culture - are four bottles of Chianti to make into lamps, and two china condiment donkeys labeled Sally and Peppy."
- Peter Shaffer - British dramatist

"I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot."
- George Bernard Shaw

"New York ... is not Mecca. It just smells like it."
- Neil Simon - US Playwright

"In America you can always find a party. In Russia the party always finds you."
- Yakov Smirnoff

"He who drinks a tumbler of London water has literally in his stomach more animated beings than there are men, women, and children on the face of the globe."
- Sydney Smith

"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"
- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate

"Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants."
- Andy Warhol

"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston

"Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles."
- Frank Lloyd Wright

"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"
- Henry Youngman




Click for the Funny Quotes Archive Navigation frame,