Remember, topic collections aren't complete, they are hand-compiled. If you think a quote belongs in this topic, or that a new topic should be created, please, contact me about it.

"A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on."
- Fred Allen - Comedian

"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
- Woody Allen

"Outside every fat man there is an even fatter man trying to close in."
- Kimpley Amis - British novelist

"The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one."
- Anonymous

"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar."
- Anonymous

"No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman."
- Honore de Balzac

"The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play the violin."
- Honore DeBalzac

"In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that _men_ know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is _look_ at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home."
- Dave Barry

"You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald spot."
- Elayne Boosler

"For the man who has everything... Penicillin."
- F. Borquin

"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him."
- David Brinkley

"The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him."
- Leo J. Burke

"Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women?
That we may love you instead of laughing at you."
- Mrs. Patrick Cambell - to a man

"Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall."
- David Chambless

"The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman."
- Samuel Tayler Coleridge

"If a man stays away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life."
- Lord Darking - British Judge

"A man's wife has more power over him than the state has."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Sanity is very rare: every man almost, and every woman has a dash of madness."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Epperson's law:
When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at."

"A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel."
- Robert Frost

"A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age."
- Robert Frost

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married, then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"It is a known fact that men are practical, hardheaded realists, in contrast to women, who are romantic dreamers and actually believe that estrogenic skin cream must do something or they couldn't charge sixteen dollars for that little tiny jar."
- Jane Goodsell

"Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen."
- Woodie Guthrie

"Most men make little use of their speech than to give evidence against their own understanding."
- Lord Halifax - English statesmen

"Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs had better get used to it."
- Robert Heinlein

"Man has his will, - but woman has her way."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes - US Writer

"Why did Nature create man? Was it to show that she is big enough to make mistakes, or was it pure ignorance?"
- Holbrook Jackson

"It has been discovered experimentally that you can draw laughter from an audience anywhere in the world, of any class or race, simply by walking onto a stage and uttering the words "I am a married man`"."
- Ted Kavanugh - British radio scriptwriter

"Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner."
- Calvin Keegan

"Now is the time for all good men to come to."
- Walt Kelly

"The Average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.'
- Ladies' Home Journal

"Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it."
- Lord Mancroft

"There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says "Yes" you know he is crooked."
- Groucho Marx

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
- Jackie Mason

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'"
- Francois Morency

"I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room."
- Blaise Pascal

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
- Terry Pratchett

"I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town."
- Michael Prichard

"Men. You can't live with them. You don't have to."
- Seen on a t-shirt

"There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it."
- George Bernard Shaw

"My mother married a very good man ... and she is not at all keen on my doing the same."
- George Bernard Shaw

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - Jimmy Shubert

"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle."
- Gloria Steinem

"A birth-control pill for men, that's fair. It makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest."
- Greg Travis, comedian

"Can't you read? The score demands con amore and what are you doing? You are playing it like married men!"
- Antonio Toscanini - criticizing the Austrian orchestra during rehearsal

"If a man is talking in the forest, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?"
- Jenny Weber

"Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself."
- A.H. Weiler

"Outside every girl there is a fat man trying to get in."
- Katherine Whitehorn - British journalist

"When women go wrong, men go right after them."
- Mae West

"A man in the house is worth two in the street."
- Mae West

Click for the Funny Quotes Archive Navigation frame,