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"I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark."
- Woody Allen

"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar."
- Anonymous

"Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter."
- Anonymous

"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."
- Anonymous

"Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
- Anonymous

"The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one."
- Anonymous

"I don't know exactly what democracy is. But we need more of it."
- Anonymous Chinese Student, during protests in Tianamen Square, Beijing, 1989

"Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way."
- Anonymous

"Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases."
- Anonymous

"No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman."
- Honore de Balzac

"I thought I told you to wait in the car."
- Tallulah Bankhead - when greeted by a former admirer after many years

"LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder... It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient."
- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

"You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day."
- Ambrose Bierce

"I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name.'"
- Mik Binder

"The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him."
- Leo J. Burke

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
- George Burns

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
- George Burns

"'Home, sweet home' must surely have been written by a bachelor."
- Samuel Butler

"Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both."
- Samuel Butler

"He no play-a da game. He no make-a da rules!"
- Earl Butz - US Politician referring to the pope's strictures against contraception

"If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam."
- Johnny Carson

"Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall."
- David Chambless

"Alma: I rather suspect her of being in love with him.
Martin: Her own husband? Monstrous! What a selfish woman!"
- Jennie Jerome Churchill - "His borrowed plumes"

"The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman."
- Samuel Tayler Coleridge

"The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget is once."
- E. Joseph Cossman

"I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you.""
- Rodney Dangerfield

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
- Rodney Dangerfield

"If a man stays away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life."
- Lord Darking - British Judge

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
- Jimmy Durante

"Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences."
- Isadora Duncan

"I think, therefore I'm single."
- Female philosopher

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married, then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy."
- James Goldsmith - British businessman

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
- Sacha Guitry

"Man has his will, - but woman has her way."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes - US Writer

"The only difference in the game of love over the last few thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds."
- The Indianapolis Star

"The Average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.'
- Ladies' Home Journal

"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator."
- Bill Lawrence

"Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it."
- Lord Mancroft

"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does."
- Groucho Marx

"Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill."
- Groucho Marx

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
- Groucho Marx

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
- Jackie Mason

"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct."
- W. Somerset Maugham

"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."
- Spike Milligan

"It has been said that a bride's attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words: Aisle. Alter. Hymn."
- Frank Muir

"Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them."

- Ogden Nash

"Strange to say what delight we married people have to see these poor fools decoyed into our condition."
- Samuel Pepys - English diarist

"The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M."
- Charles Pierce

"Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder... and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn."
- N.V. Plyter

"I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town."
- Michael Prichard

"Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you."
- Jean Rostand - Le Mariage

"Two mother's-in-law."
- Lord John Russell - when asked what he would consider a proper punishment for bigamy

"Men. You can't live with them. You don't have to."
- Seen on a t-shirt

"My mother married a very good man ... and she is not at all keen on my doing the same."
- George Bernard Shaw

"Morality consists of suspecting other people of not being legally married."
- George Bernard Shaw

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher."
- Socrates

"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle."
- Gloria Steinem

"God help the man who won't marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her."
- Benjamin Tillett

"Can't you read? The score demands con amore and what are you doing? You are playing it like married men!"
- Antonio Toscanini - criticizing the Austrian orchestra during rehearsal

"Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia."
- Judith Viorst

"Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl could want in life, except for good taste in men."
- Wedding Toast

"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity."
- Oscar Wilde

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- Henry Youngman

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