"Well, I have one consolation. No candidate was ever elected ex-president by such a large majority!"
- William Howard Taft - US President - referring to his defeat in the 1912presidential election.

"I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means. It means we get to keep all our old mistakes."
- Dennie van Tassel

"I have Bright's disease and he has mine."
- S.J. Thomas

"Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?"
- Kelvin Throop III

"A birth-control pill for men, that's fair. It makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest."
- Greg Travis, comedian

"I'll have that one, please."
- Herbert Beerbohm Tree - in a post office, pointing at a stamp in the middle of a sheet

"Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal."
- Lionel Trilling

"Church is only society on earth that exists for the benefit of non-members."
- William Temple

"In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it."
- Dave Thomas

"An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do."
- Dylan Thomas

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."
- Hunter S. Thompson

"I hate women because they always know where things are."
- James Thurber

"I was seized by the stern hand of Compulsion, that dark, unreasonable Urge that impels women to clean house in the middle of the night."
- James Thurber - US Writer, Humorist, and Cartoonist

"Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them."
- James Thurber

"Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"
- James Thurber - Cartoon caption.

"God help the man who won't marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her."
- Benjamin Tillett

"Historians are the deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them."
- Leo Tolstoy

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."
- Lily Tomlin

"Excusing bad programming is a shooting offense, no matter _what_ the circumstances."
- Linus Torvalds, to the linux-kernel list

"Can't you read? The score demands con amore and what are you doing? You are playing it like married men!"
- Antonio Toscanini - criticizing the Austrian orchestra during rehearsal

"After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you - not one of you - enter!"
- Arturo Toscanini - Rebuking an incompetant orchestra

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
- Calvin Trillin

"If law school is so hard to get through... how come there are so many lawyers?"
- Calvin Trillin

"There is nothing that can be said by mathematical symbols and relations which cannot also be said by words. The converse, however, is false. Much that can be and is said by words cannot successfully be put into equations, because it is nonsense."
- C. Truesdell

"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
- Harry S. Truman

"Wherever you have an efficient government you have a dictatorship."
- Harry S. Truman

"Keep breathing."
- Sephie Tucker - Russian singer and vaudeville star - Reply at age 80 when asked the secret of her longevity

"Nuclear war would really set back cable."
- Ted Turner

"The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten."
- Mark Twain

"I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces."
- Mark Twain

"Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be."
- Mark Twain

"Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we"."
- Mark Twain

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
- Mark Twain

"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up."
- Mark Twain

"For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld."
- Mark Twain - A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling

"Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain Kirk."
- TV Guide, describing the Star Trek episode "Amok Time"

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