"There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure."
- Ross MacDonald

"The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused."
- Shirley Maclaine

"I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence."
- Doug MacLeod

Magary's Principle:
When there is a pubic outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do the cutting, and the public's services are cut.

"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."
Bernard Manning

"Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it."
- Lord Mancroft

"Consumers are statistics. Customers are people."
- Stanley Marcus

"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police."
- Jeff Marder

"A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself."
- Don Marquis

"How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars."
- Steve Martin

"I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness."
- Steve Martin

"Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again."
- Marvin The Paranoid Android

"But I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering into her mouth."
- Chico Marx - to his wife when she caught him kissing a chorus girl

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read."
- Groucho Marx

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
- Groucho Marx

"I find television very educating. Every time sombody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
- Groucho Marx

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does."
- Groucho Marx

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies."
- Groucho Marx

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
- Groucho Marx

"We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife."
- Groucho Marx

"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
- Groucho Marx

"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
- Groucho Marx

"Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more that she ever did."
- Groucho Marx

"I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and You come home."
- Groucho Marx

"Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member."
- Groucho Marx - on resigning from the Friar's Club in Hollywood

"Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?"
- Groucho Marx

"Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill."
- Groucho Marx

"I never forget a face, but I'll make an exception in your case."
- Groucho Marx

"Do they allow tipping on the boat?
- Yes, sir.
Have you got two fives?
- Oh, yes, sir.
Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you."
- Groucho Marx

"No, Groucho is not my real name. I'm breaking it in for a friend."
- Groucho Marx (Julius Marx)

"Since my daughter is only Half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?"
- Groucho Marx - when excluded from a beach club on racial grounds

"There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says "Yes" you know he is crooked."
- Groucho Marx

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
- Groucho Marx

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
- Groucho Marx

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
- Jackie Mason

"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit."
- W. Somerset Maugham

"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are."
- W. Somerset Maugham

"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct."
- W. Somerset Maugham

"Only a brain-damaged operating system would support task switching and not make the simple next step of supporting multitasking."
- George McFry

"The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm."
- Travis McGee

"I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat."
- Michael McShane

"Conscience is the inner voice which warns us that someone may be looking"
- H. L. Mencken

"Criticism is prejudice made plausible."
- H. L. Mencken

"After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations."
- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare

"When women kiss it always reminds on of prize fighters shaking hands."
- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae"

"No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American People."
- H.L. Mencken

"The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. Some of their most esteemed inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics."
- H. L. Mencken

"I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs."
- H.L. Mencken

"'Tis more blessed to give than to receive; for example, wedding presents."
- H.L. Mencken

"For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong."
- H. L. Mencken

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
- John Mendosa

"If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to?"
- Bette Midler - US actress.

"Even if it doesn't work, there is something healthy and invigorating about direct action."
- Henry Miller

"One day the don't-knows will get in, and then where will we be?"
- Spike Milligan - remark about a pre-election poll

"Policemen are numbered in case they get lost."
- Spike Milligan - British comic actor and author

"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."
- Spike Milligan

"My father was a minister. I had to make up for the lack of sin."
- Milwuakee mayor, on why he became a politician

"Logic doesn't apply to the real word."
- Marvin Minsky

"I love children especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away."
- Nancy Mitford

"When you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research."
- Wilson Mizner

"Author: A fool, who, not content with having bored those who have lived with him, insists on tormenting the generations to come."
- Montesquieu

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'"
- Francois Morency

"Question everything. Learn something. Answer nothing."
- Engineer's Motto

"It has been said that a bride's attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words: Aisle. Alter. Hymn."
- Frank Muir

"A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation."
- Hector Hugh Munro, "Saki"

"Waldo is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death."
- Hector Hugh Munro, "Saki", British writer - referring to Ralph Waldo Emerson.

"It's not the bullet with your name on it you have to worry about. It's the twenty-thousand-odd other bullets labeled "Occupant"."
- Murphy's laws of combat

"Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex."
- Ellyn Mustard

"You need tender loving care once a week - so that I can slap you into shape."
- Ellyn Mustard

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