"The Average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.'
- Ladies' Home Journal

"Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks."
- Doug Larson

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
- Matt Lauer, on NBC's "Today" show, August 22, 1996

"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator."
- Bill Lawrence

"The modern pantheist not only sees the god in everything, he takes photographs of it."
- D.H. Lawrence

"Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe."
- Dennis Leary

"The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the sidewalk going: I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that killed Belushi."
- Denis Leary

"Counting in octal is just likst counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs."
- Tom Lehrer

"I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not."
- Fran Lebowitz

"Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast the disc jockey is not allowed to talk."
- Fran Lebowitz

"If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words."
- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"

"If you're going to America, bring your own food."
- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"

"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz

"I think trash is the most important manifestation of culture we have in my lifetime."
- Johnny Legend

"You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience."
- Stanislaw J. Lem

"Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors."
- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"

"He who limps is still walking."
- Stanislaw J. Lec

"Eh! Je suis leur chef, il fallait bien les suivre. (Ah well! I am their leader, I really ought to follow them.)"
- Alexandre Auguste Ledru-Rollin

"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
- Karl Lehenbauer

"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. "
- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987

"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2) Advising the President.
3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. "
- David Letterman

"Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines."
- David Letterman

"New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you."
- David Letterman

"Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves around than any other city in the world."
- David Letterman

"Tourists -- have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."
- David Letterman

"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax."
- David Letterman

"According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime."
- David Letterman

"Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound.""
- David Letterman

"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert."
- David Letterman

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
- David Letterman

"Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking."
- Jerome Lettvin

"I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on."
- Oscar Levant

"Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call."
- Richard Lewis

"Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless."
- Sinclair Lewis

"Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too."
- Lichty & Wagner

"Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
- Abraham Lincoln

"If you don't want to use the army, I should like to borrow it for a while. Yours Respectfully, A. Lincoln"
- Abraham Lincoln - letter to General George B. McClellan during the Civil War.

"Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way around."
- David Lodge - British author

"If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me."
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

"The telephone company is urging people to *please* not use the telephone unless it is absolutely necessary in order to keep the lines open for emergency personnel. We'll be right back after this break to give away a pair of Phil Collins tickets to caller number 95."
- Los Angeles disc jockey, right after the February 1990 earthquake

"If we see the light at the end of the tunnel it is the light of an oncoming train."
- Robert Lowell - US poet

"When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done."
- Daniel B.Luten

"Medicine makes people ill, mathematics make them sad, and theology makes them sinful."
- Martin Luther

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