"Elevate them guns a little lower"
- Andrew Jackson - order given while watching the affect of US artillery upon British lines at the Battle of New Orleans

"Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life."
- Glenda Jackson

"Why did Nature create man? Was it to show that she is big enough to make mistakes, or was it pure ignorance?"
- Holbrook Jackson

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Rich Jeni

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
- Rich Jeni

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."
- Richard Jeni

"I hate mankind, for I think myself to be one of them, and I know how bad I am."
- Samuel Johnson

"Dull - 8. To make dictionaries is dull work."
- Samuel Johnson - British Lexicographer - Dictionary of the English Language

"Fly fishing may be pleasant amusement; but angling or float fishing I can only compare to a stick and a string, with a worm at one end and a fool at the other."
- Samuel Johnson

"Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee."
- Carolyn Jones

"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have for instance."
- Franklin P. Jones

"Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."
- Thomas Jones

"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!"
- Ben Jonson

"Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering"
- C. G. Jung - Psychologist

"It has been discovered experimentally that you can draw laughter from an audience anywhere in the world, of any class or race, simply by walking onto a stage and uttering the words "I am a married man"."
- Ted Kavanugh - British radio scriptwriter

"If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?"
- Garrison Keillor

"Now is the time for all good men to come to."
- Walt Kelly

"The surest way to be late is to have plenty of time."
- Leo Kennedy

"I can't see that it's wrong to give him a little legal experience before he goes out to practice law."
- John F. Kennedy - on being criticized for making his brother Robert Attorney General

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