"My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it."
- Buddy Hackett

"Most men make little use of their speech than to give evidence against their own understanding."
- Lord Halifax - English statesmen

"Living in England, provincial England, must be like being married to a stupid but exquisitely beautiful wife."
- Margaret Halsey

"Cute little babies that fall out of swings - These are a few of my favourite things."
- Oscar Hammerstein, working lyric for a piece from "The Sound of Music"

"I told them, I'll do that song if you'll give me a hundred dollars and a lifetime free card to Lord's Cricket ground....I got the money, but I fuckin' never got the card."
- Roy Harper, on how he got the job singing "Have a Cigar" for Pink Floyd

"Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs."
- Christopher Hampton

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

"I didn't notice him coming, but he didn't seem to be looking for an autograph signature"
- George Harrison, on the madman who stabbed him in Harrison's private garden and nearly killed him.

"If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use?"
- Paul Harvey

"Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales"
- Stephen Hawking - "A Brief History of Time"

- Headline of Variety, 1956, when Arthur Miller married Marilyn Monroe

"Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs had better get used to it."
- Robert Heinlein

"He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt."
- J. Heller

"Good hours, excellent pay, fun place to work, paid training, mean boss. Oh well, four out of five isn't bad."
- Help Wanted Ad, PA newspaper, 1994

"The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music stops."
- Sir Robert Helpmann - choreographer

"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling."
- Florence Henderson

"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. they're in front of you in the supermarket express lane."
- June Henderson

"We need a president who's fluent in at least one language. "
- Buck Henry

"The Common Law of England has been laboriously built about a mythical figure - the figure of "The Reasonable Man"".
- A.P. Herbert

"I would like to throw an egg into an electric fan."
- Oliver Herford - British-born US hurmorist - When asked if he had no ambitions beyond making people laugh.

"Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl yore mistakes."
- Baendan Hills

"This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book- it makes a very poor doorstop."
- Alfred Hitchcock

"I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there."
- Joel Hodgson

"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position."
- John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job

"Hell is paved with good samaritans."
- William M. Holden

"They think they can make fuel from horse manure.... Now, I don't know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning."
- Billie Holliday

"Oh, to be seventy again!"
- Oliver Wendell Holmes JR - on his 87th birthday while watching a pretty girl

"Man has his will, - but woman has her way."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes - US Writer

"If a thing is worth doing at all, it is worth doing badly."
- Gustav Holst, on amateur music-making

"A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they by being declared to work."
- Anatol Holt

"The public doesn't want new music: the main thing it demands of a composer is that he be dead."
- Arthuer Honegger - composer

"Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt."
- Herbert Hoover

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
- Bob Hope

"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
- Blair Houghton

"You can lead a boy to college but you can't make him think."
- Elbert Hubbard

"In a disastrous fire in President Reagan's library, both books were destroyed. And the real tragedy is that he hadn't finished coloring one."
- Jonathan Hunt - New Zealand Politician

"When having my portrait painted I don't want justice, I want mercy."
- Billy Hughes

- Victor Hugo - Entire telegram sent to his publishers asking how Les Miserables was selling, the reply: "!".

"I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk"
- John Huston

"Maybe this world is another planet's hell."
- Aldous Huxley

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