"I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you.""
- Rodney Dangerfield

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
- Rodney Dangerfield

"If a man stays away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life."
- Lord Darking - British Judge

"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it."
- Clarence Darrow

"Hoover, if elected, will do one thing that is almost incomprehensible to the human mind: he will make a great man out of Coolidge."
- Clarence Darrow - remarking during the 1932 presidential campaign.

"Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?"
- Clarence Darrow

"I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair."
- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"

"Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car."
- Evan Davis

"Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat."
- Jim Davis - Garfield

"When all else fails, look cute."
- Jim Davis, "Garfield" comic

"You can't eat a winner's plaque."
- Miles Davis, on his years as a young aspiring genius in N.Y. - he got noticed, he was praised, but he didn't get too many actual jobs.

"The finest collection of frames I ever saw."
- Humphrey Davy - British chemist- when asked what he thought of the Paris art galleries

"If we lose this war, I'll just start another in my wife's name."
- Moshe Dayan - Israeli General

"If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?"
- George Deacon.

"Tomorrow's computers some time next month."

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
- Decca Recording Company, rejecting the Beatles, 1962

"Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop."
- Definitions, Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary

"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits."
- Joe Early - Congressman - at a press conference to answer questions about the Houes Bank scandal

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
- Ellen DeGeneres

"As long as we're going to reinvent the wheel again, we might as well try making it round this time."
- Mike Dennison

"Tear open packet, unfold and use."
- Directions on moist towelette package

Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
1- Get elected.
2- Get Re-elected.
3- Don't get mad, get even.
- Sen. Everett Dirksen

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away."
- Philip K. Dick

"This compact disc is made from analog masters recorded without noise reduction. Half the tracks, in fact, were recorded in a dismal, cheap basement eight-track studio with puddles of water on the floor. Digital technology will now faithfully reproduce these noisy, low-fi, un-professional masters at great expense. feel stupid yet?"
- Disclaimer on a CD

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."
- Benjamin Disraeli

"Her Majesty is not a subject."
- Benjamin Disraeli - Responding to Gladstone's taunt that Disraeli could make a joke out of any subject, including Queen Victoria.

"Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."
- Ken Dodd

"The Internet is a gateway to get on the net."
- Bob Dole

" Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
Thank you and good luck."
- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.

"When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the plane will fly."
- Donald Douglas

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
- Charles Duell, Director of U,S, Patent Offive, 1899

"How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury."
- Tom Duff, Bell Labs

"I prefer the wicked rather than the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest."
- Alexandre Dumas pere

"To every Ph.D there is an equal and opposite Ph.d."
- B. Duggan

"I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. I think I saw God."
- B. Hathrume Duk

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
- Jimmy Durante

"Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences."
- Isadora Duncan

"Trust everybody, but cut the cards."
- Finley Peter Dunne

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