"The optimist proclaims we life in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimists fears this is true."
- James Cabel

"Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women?
That we may love you instead of laughing at you."
- Mrs. Patrick Cambell - to a man

"Know what I hate most? Rhetorical quesions"
- Henry N. Camp

"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
- Al Capone

"When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality."
- Al Capone

"I don't even know what street Canada is on."
- Al Capone

"They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
- Al Capone - protesting the IRS claiming large sums of unpaid back tax.

"Abstract art: a product of the untalented sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered."
- Al Capp

"The problem with reality is the lack of background music"
- Jim CareyBR>
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
- George Carlin

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
- George Carlin

"Far too many relied on the classic formula of a beginning, a muddle, and an end."
- Philip Carlin - British poet - referring to modern novels

"Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches every thing you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of 10 special things that he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time. But he loves you."
- George Carlin, Comedian, from his HBO special "You are all diseased"

"Teach a parrot the terms "supply and demand" and you've got an economist."
- Thomas Carlyle

"Thirty Millions, mostly fools."
- Thomas Carlyle - Scottish historian - when asked what the population of England was.

"No, no!" said the Queen, "Sentence first - Verdict afterwards."
- Lewis Caroll - Alice in Wonderland

"It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?"
- Elizabeth Carpenter

"A teacher is one who makes himself progressively unnecessary."
- Thomas Carruthers

"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
- Johnny Carson

"If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam."
- Johnny Carson

"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls."
- Matt Cartmill

"Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock."
- Wynn Catlin

"But you shall not escape my iambics."
- Gaius Valerius Catullus

"I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth and they never believe me."
- Camillo Di Cavour

"Good painter imitates nature, bad ones spews it up."
- Miguel de Cervantes - Spanish novelist

"Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall."
- David Chambless

"I don't believe in sweeping social change being manifested by one person, unless he has an atomic weapon."
- Howard Chaykin

"Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
- Anton Chekhov

"Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it."
- G.K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"

"Journalism consists largely in saying "Lord Jones died" to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive."
- G. K. Chesterton

"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people."
- G. K. Chesterton

"I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean."
- G. K. Chesterton

"Democracy means government by the uneducated, while aristocracy means government by the badly educated."
- G.K. Chesterton

"It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers have been all over it."
- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine.

"Alma: I rather suspect her of being in love with him.
Martin: Her own husband? Monstrous! What a selfish woman!"
- Jennie Jerome Churchill - "His borrowed plumes"

"A fanatic is a person who can't change his mind and won't change the subject"
- Winston Churchill

"Dead birds don't fall out of their nests."
- Winston Churchill - when someone told him his fly buttons were undone

"He is like a female llama surprised in her bath."
- Winston Churchill - referring to Charles de Gaulle

"A dollar saved is a quarter earned."
- John Ciardi

"A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students"
- John Ciardi

"Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea."
- John Ciardi

"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense."
- Tom Clancy

"War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military."
- Clemenceau

"Small earthquake in Chile. Not many dead."
- Claude Cockburn- put forward as an example of a dull newspaper headline

"Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images."
- Jean Cocteau

"Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible."
- Frank Moore Colby

Mr. Cole's Axiom:
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

"The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman."
- Samuel Tayler Coleridge

"George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend."
- Ashley Cooper

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
- Rich Cook

"Since both of its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solelly in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by."
- Alan Coren - British humorist and writer - on Switzerland

"When your IQ rises to 28, sell."
- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler

"Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents."
- Billiam Coronel

"Drive in banks were established so most of the cars today can see their real owners."
- E. Joseph Cossman

"The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget is once."
- E. Joseph Cossman

"I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last."
- Elvis Costello

COBOL:
Completely Over and Beyond Reason Or Logic

"Dear 338171 (May I call you 338?)"
- Noel Coward - in a letter to T.E. Lawrence who had retired from public life to become Aircraftsman Brown, 338171

"There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse."
- Wuentin Crisp

"There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry"
- George Armstrong Custer




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