"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself."
- Johann Sebastian Bach

"A small town is a place where there's no place to go where you shouldn't."
- Burt Bacharach

Backward conditioning:
Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring

"Universities incline wits to sophistry and affectation."
- Francis Bacon

"Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down."
- Russell Baker

"Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three categories- those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost."
- Russell Baker

"The main thing I like about New Yorkers is that they understand that their lives are a relentless circus of horrors, ending in death. As New Yorkers, we realize this, we resign ourselves to our fate, and we make sure that everyone else is as miserable as we are. Good town."
- Kyle Baker, Why I Hate Saturn

"Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him tastefully."
- Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse

"It's curtains for you, Mighty Mouse! This gun is so futuristic that even *I* don't know how it works!"
- from Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse

"The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play the violin."
- Honore DeBalzac

"No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman."
- Honore de Balzac

"She sleeps alone at last."
- Robert Banchley - Suggested epitaph for an actress

"Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have the time."
- Tallulah Bankhead - actress

"I thought I told you to wait in the car."
- Tallulah Bankhead - when greeted by a former admirer after many years

"Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones."
- Mike Barfield

"What is algebra exactly; is it those three-cornered things?"
- J.M. Barrie - British novelist and dramatist

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
- Marion Barry, Mayor, Washington, D.C.

"I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules, including:
* Both of your socks should always be the same color
* Or they should at least both be fairly dark
- Dave Barry

"In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that _men_ know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is _look_ at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home."
- Dave Barry

"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."
- Dave Barry

"Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath."
- Dave Barry - "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"

"And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report."
- Dave Barry

"I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes."
- Dave Barry

"The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes."
- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

"Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?"
- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"

"We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail."
- Dave Barry

"So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes..."
- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"

"You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony."
- John Barrymore

"Busy yourselves with this, you damned walruses, while the rest of use proceed with the libretto."
- John Barrymore - US Actor, on throwing a fish at a noisy audience

"The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible."
- Bernard Baruch

Baruch's Observation:
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

"I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40."
- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd just shot.

"If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door."
- Paul Beatty

"Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night."
- Candice Bergen

"That you, sister. May you be the mother of a bishop."
- Brendan Behan - said to the nun nursing him on his deathbed

"Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head is concerned."
- Bo Belinsky - Baseball pitcher

"Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment."
- Robert Benchley

"Streets full of water. Please Advise."
- Robert Benchley - US humorist - Telegram to his editor on arriving in Venice.

"One cubic foot less of space and it would have constituted adultery."
- Robert Benchley - Describing an office shared with Dorothy Parker

"A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps." - Robert Benchley

"A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down."
- Robert Benchley

"If I rescued a child from drowning the Press would no doubt headline the story "Benn grabs child".'
- Tony Benn - British Politician

"I am on the right wing of the middle of the road and with strong radical bias."
- Tony Benn

"Deleted by French Censor"
- James Gordon Bennett - US Newspaper owner/editor - Used to fill empty space in his papers during WWI when news was lacking

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
- Winston Bennett

"Lawyers are the only persons in whom ignorance of the law is not punished."
- Jeremy Bentham

"Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him, slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound."
- Jon Bentley

"Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago."
- Bernard Berenson

"Happiness is good health and a bad memory."
- Ingrid Bergman

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all it's pupils."
- Hector Berlioz

"A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business."
- Shelly Berman

"No wonder nobody comes here--it's too crowded."
- Yogi Berra

"You can observe a lot by watching."
- Yogi Berra

"It gets late early out there."
- Yogi Berra

"This island is almost made of coal and surrounded by fish. Only an organizing genius could produce a shortage of coal and fish in Great Britain at the same time."
- Aneunin Bevan - British Labour Politician. Speech May 18, 1945.

"If you open that Pandora's Box you never know what Trojan 'orses will jump out."
- Ernest Bevin - British trade-union leader - referring to the Council of Europe

"LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder... It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient."
- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

"NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient."
- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

"PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting."
- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

"In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office."
- Ambrose Bierce

"Logic - the act of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human understanding."
- Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary

"You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day."
- Ambrose Bierce

"I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name.'"
- Mik Binder

"Never moon a werewolf."
- Mike Binder

"After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident it makes you wonder about history."
- Bits & Pieces

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
- Shirley Temple Black

"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people."
- Ed Bluestone

"The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money."
- Ed Bluestone

"Hi, this is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number ... and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI ... BEEEEP"
- Blue Devil Comics

"Rembrandt painted 700 pictures. Of these, 3,000 are still in existence."
- Wilhelm Bode

"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field."
- Niels Bohr

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. "
- Erma Bombeck

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."
- Erma Bombeck

"Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact."
- Erma Bombeck

"History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon."
- Napoleon Bonaparte

"You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald spot."
- Elayne Boosler

"When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder."
- James H. Boren

"For the man who has everything... Penicillin."
- F. Borquin

"Personifiers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!"
- Bernadette Bosky

"I am about to--or I am going to--die; either expression is used."
- Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian, dying words

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
- Alison Boulter

"The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to change your name and start a new life in a different city."
- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"

"A blind man in a dark room - looking for a black hat - which isn't there."
- Lord Bowen - Characterization of a metaphysician

"Splendid couple - slept with both of them."
- Maurice Bowra - British academic - referring to a well-known literary couple

"I like the English, they have the most rigid code of immorality in the world."
- Malcolm Bradbury

"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway."
- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review

"Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers."
- Leonard Brandwein

"Always behave like a duck--keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath."
- Jacob Braude

"Basic research is when I'm doing what I don't know what I'm doing."
- Wernher Von Braun

"The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid."
- Richard Braustein

"He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news."
- Bertolt Brecht

"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him."
- David Brinkley

"If you'll excuse me a minute, I'm going to have a cup of coffee."
- Broadcast from Apollo 11's LEM, "Eagle", to Johnson Space Center, Houston July 20, 1969, 7:27 P.M.

Bradle's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

"Tragedy is if I cut my finger.
Comedy is if I walk into an open serwer and die."
- Mel Brooks

"Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer."
- Fred Brooks, Jr.

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
- Rita Mae Brown

"If people turn to look at you on the street, you are not well dressed."
- Beau Brummel

"Shut the door, Wales."
- George Bryan "Bean" Brumwell - Said to the Prince of Wales

"Regardless of the legal speed limit, your Buick must be operated at speeds faster than 85 MPH (140kph)."
- 1987 Buick Grand National owners manual.

"The best teacher is the one who suggests rather than dogmatizes, and inspires his listener with the wish to teach himself."
- Edward Bulwer-Lytton

"The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan, live with a British wife, and eat American food."
- Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine

"I don't feel good."
- Luther Burbank, dying words

gAge is of no importance, unless you are a cheeseh
- Billie Burke

"The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him."
- Leo J. Burke

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door."
- Milton Burle

"Too bad all the people that know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."
- George Burns

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
- George Burns

"Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years."
- George Burns

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
- George Burns

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
- George Burns - on aging

"I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm the President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli."
- George Bush - US President 1990

"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."
- Red Buttons

"'Home, sweet home' must surely have been written by a bachelor."
- Samuel Butler

"Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both."
- Samuel Butler

"He no play-a da game. He no make-a da rules!"
- Earl Butz - US Politician referring to the pope's strictures against contraception




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